But in the year of our Pop Lord 2000 and 5, a giant flapping bird named Mimi and a horrendous vulture called Madge—both of whom had been exiled to the Island Of Flop Divas for a spell—returned home. Mimi tended to her nest, bumping all the other whores who dared sit in it while she was gone over the edge, to plummet to their death. Madge picked at their flesh with her evil beak, desperately searching for any usable scraps with which she could fashion something fancy for herself.
And this is what happened to J.Lo...
While she floundered in Hell, she occasionally dragged others' careers into the gutter with her—Jane Fonda here, Marc Anthony there. As for Matthew McConaughey, well, he was already in Hell, chyldryn.
But something happened—some calamitous collision of forces and alignment of dark stars—and The Lopez was ironically granted a position by which she could now judge the talent of others on a television show called Republican Network Singing Kids You Vote For To Make The Bland Shit You Are Too Cheap To Buy Anyway.
Eventually, Lady Gaga dispatched her most powerful warrior RedOne to breathe new life into The Lopez, so that she could have someone awful to stand next to on the Planet Of Pop, someone to make Gaga herself look better by comparison.
And that, Chyldryn, is how "On The Floor" debuted at #9 on the Billboard Hot 100 this week, and became her first Top 10 hit in eight years. Resist, if you must. But Fate is undeniable.
The U.S. Top 10:
1. "Born This Way" - Lady Gaga *3 weeks*
2. "Fuck You" - Cee Lo Green
3. "Grenade" - Bruno Mars
4. "Fuckin' Perfect" - Pink
5. "S&M" - Rihanna
6. "Firework" - Katy Perry
7. "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)" - Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris & DJ Frank E
8. "E.T." - Katy Perry feat. Kanye West
9. "On The Floor" - Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull *new*
10. "I Need A Doctor" - Dr. Dre feat. Eminem & Skylar Grey
