Jumpin' Jonas Brothers! You'd think D'luv and MoogaBoo would have learned their lesson by now. But here they are, back to brave the MTV Video Music Awards for the third year. Well, half of the show, anyway.First, here's the VMAs in two mintues:
D'LUV: Golly, we're so tech savvy, watching this streaming online rather than on the clunky ol' TV. Alright, let's see Britney's opening act. Hey, she actually looks really good! Her hair's all pulled back and she's trying to kiss that ugly broad.
MOOGABOO: That's actually Jonah Hill...trying to kiss Britney.
D: Damn! And I'm not even drinking this time.
M: Wise of them to give Britters practically zero dialogue. Now there's some crazy dance troupe singing "Disturbia."D: And an emotionaless zombie with no personality just came out of a wedding cake. Oh, it's Rihanna.
M: Either this stream is fucked, or they're letting Rihanna sing without Autotune.
D: I wonder if she's really broke?M: She needs to hook up with one of those Chris Brown "Forever"-type promotions. Maybe she already has, and next month we'll discover "Disturbia" was actually an ad for Advil all along.
D: Well, if worse comes to worse, Ri-Ri could probably land some TV gig. I wonder if QVC is hiring?
M: Luv, after watching that opening sequence with Britney, "I wonder if QVC is hiring?" should be the theme of the night.
D: Wait, I'll be right back............OK, sorry. I thought something was burning, then I realized it was just my computer rejecting Russell Brand.
M: Someone please bring Sarah Silverman back from whatever speakeasy she's performing in tonight to reprise her hosting gig from last year!
D: Katy Perry just stuck her tongue out at Russell from the audience. Which makes me think he probably rammed the bicuriosity right out of her at some point during rehearsal week.
M: Now Jamie Foxx is on. One of the producers really ought to let someone know that a 50-year-old just got past security.
D: Wait...I hear Haddaway "What Is Love"! This suddenly became the best VMAs ever!! Oh, damn. It was just a Diet Pepsi commercial.
M: Taylor Swift is introducing the Jonas Brothers. I wonder if they'll ever cross the threshold from dorky to hot?D: Nick is kinda cute. But he's 15. Which means three more years till Playgirl!
M: Uh-oh. Katy's doing "Like A Virgin."
D: Wait, they're only showing 20 seconds of it? Now it's a commercial? That was anticlimactic. Though probably for the best.
M: Who's this trim singing now?D: I hear violins, there's some homeless guy yelling onstage while a three-buck hooker from the Valley wails into a microphone. They're saying it's Leona Lewis and Lil' Wayne, but I'm not buying it.
M: Pussycat Dolls just won for something. Best performance in a free clinic?
D: Nicole Scherzinger is hogging the speech while the other Dolls try to get a word in edgewise.
M: I love how the other Dolls think their bodies wouldn't be disposed of if they actually did manage that.
D: You know, in a way the VMAs have always monumentally sucked. It's nothing new. They're good for maybe one buzzworthy performance each year, but when you actually sit and watch the entire thing, it's similar to having a root canal.
M: I've had more root canals than VMAs experiences, and I know which I prefer. That said, I was hoping for more in the way of dance numbers. Rihanna's was actually really cool, and it stands in high relief against the rest of the performances.
D: Agreed. And on that note, let's watch Pink then roll this trash. Miley Cyrus is introducing her. Only three more years till Playboy!M: Pink's hair looks good! Who'd-a thunk this broad would still be turning out hits almost 10 years later? I remember thinking she was the next Alicia Bridges.
D: Pink sounds great, and this really is the performance of the night! The only thing that would have made it better is if she'd tasered Miley at the beginning, or dry-rode the Jonases.M: It really is good on its own, and not just because nothing else was good.
D: Is it me or does Pink look like a boozy old cougar in a bathrobe?
M: Well, someone had to fill the Madonna slot.
ALSO SEE:
* The 2006 MTV VMAs Drive Us To Drink
* The 2nd Annual VMAs Banterview...Or Thank God For Fast Forward