And so Xtina's Bionic limped into the Top 200 Albums chart this week at #3 (on sales of a measly 110,000 copies), coming in behind the Twilight Saga: Eclipse soundtrack (144,000) at #2 and the Glee: The Music—Journey To Regionals EP at #1 (152,000). Yes—a fucking EP of Glee songs sold more than Christina Aguilera. Welcome to the new decade.
The album is truly a hot mess of hodge podge, but as Pop Trash Addicts and My Fizzy Pop point out in their lengthy reviews (fine, impassioned reads, both of them), all of the podge isn't necessarily bad podge.
My advice (and, really, doesn't everyone want it?) is this: baby, you should have learned from Mariah Carey's tragically repeated past mistakes—the public doesn't want you ghetto, Gaga or trying to keep up with the times. They want you in a nice black dress, in front of a microphone belting out "Beautiful." You want to be edgy? You're allowed to make another "Fighter," but the "Dirrty" days are over. And you ain't electro, hon. Stick with the pretty stuff, like "You Lost Me"—which, if Sony has any execs with half a brain in charge of Aguilera's trajectory, will be her next single.
"Woohoo" might have actually worked if it were the third single, after a couple of the ballads. See, Christina's allowed to dance a bit, but the public wants familiarity at the onset. Don't go skipping out of the gate in the crotchless vinyl thong with the spiked ball gag in your yap, you dumb broad—it makes people who love to hate wary, and gives them ammunition. (Plus, it's just tired at this point.)
Read this, Christina. And read it well. All is hardly lost. Your fans are still there. And second chances come along all the time. Just ask your pal Britney.
Rush "You Lost Me" to radio. Your collaborations with Sia are gorgeous. And be a bit humble. Go visit stations. Do the talk shows again. Do a couple live dates. Starting from the ground up might help you get back to basics. And remind you what us boys and girls want.
The U.S. Top 10:
1. "California Gurls" - Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg *2 weeks*
2. "OMG" - Usher feat. will.i.am
3. "Airplanes" - B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams
4. "Billionaire" - Travie McCoy feat. Bruno Mars
5. "Your Love Is My Drug" - Ke$ha
6. "Alejandro" - Lady Gaga
7. "Break Your Heart" - Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris
8. "Not Afraid" - Eminem
9. "Rock That Body" - The Black Eyed Peas
10. "Find Your Love" - Drake
