You'll Chew On Whatever Chris Brown And Ne-Yo Shove Down Your Throat

If this was the moment Chris Brown realized he sold his soul to the Doublemint devil on Tuesday, at the Wrigley's conference, then surely his guilt was assuaged—if only momentarily—when Satan's gum sluts began grinding on him.

You for sure would have expected Chris' "Forever" to hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 this week, perfectly timed mere days after the announcement of the single's corporate product placement shenanigans.

Alas, there it sits, stuck at #3 again like, uh, gum.

Nonetheless, Chris leads his non-girlfriend Rihanna and Ne-Yo in what has become somewhat of a pop trifecta sweeping up the chart this summer.

"Disturbia" closely follows Rihanna's spring hit "Take A Bow," landing in the Top 10 this week at #4. Meanwhile, Ne-Yo's "Closer" climbs to a new high of #14.

Sigh... one can only dare to dream about what his inevitable "kiss a little longer" Big Red jam will sound like. And while "Closer" recently topped the U.K. singles chart, another British #1 is just behind it here at #16 in the form of Estelle's "American Boy."

Another single that doesn't make me want to blow my head off is Jordin Sparks' "One Step At A Time," which has slowly creeped up to #34 like a peg-legged whore hobbling toward a fiver in an old pimp's gnarled grasp.

Which reminds me, it's my grandma's birthday tomorrow.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "I Kissed A Girl" - Katy Perry *6 weeks*
2. "Take A Bow" - Rihanna
3. "Forever" - Chris Brown
4. "Disturbia" - Rihanna
5. "Viva La Vida'" - Coldplay
6. "A Milli" - Lil Wayne
7. "Lollipop" - Lil Wayne Feat. Static Major
8. "Dangerous" - Kardinal Offishall Feat. Akon
9. "Bleeding Love" - Leona Lewis
10. "Leavin'" - Jesse McCartney

Let's Have A Makeout Party!

The music column at Towleroad turns one. And everyone is gay.

Chris Brown's "Forever" Turns Out To Be A Corporate Jingle For Wrigley's Gum

Upon finding out the following info yesterday, I thought, I should be outraged! I should be ashamed! Chris Brown is corporate Pied Piper who duped us all!

That lasted for about two seconds, then I remembered, Oh, right—I have no shame.

The below revelation on Chris Brown's "Forever"—a song D'luv has been touting since April—appeared in a Wall Street Journal piece Monday:

What listeners don't know—and what Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co. planned to reveal Tuesday—is that the song is a commercial.

"Forever" is an extended version of a new Doublemint jingle written by Mr. Brown and scheduled to begin airing next month in 30-second spots for Wrigley's green-packaged chewing gum.

Mr. Brown is one of a trio of pop stars enlisted by ad agency Translation Advertising, a unit of Interpublic Group of Cos., to update the images of three of Wrigley's best-known brands.

The campaign includes spots featuring R&B singer Ne-Yo doing his own take on Big Red's "kiss a little longer" jingle. And Dancing With the Stars regular-turned-country-singer Julianne Hough recorded a twangy version of Juicy Fruit's "The taste is gonna move ya."

But Mr. Brown's "Forever" is the most ambitious part of the campaign. Mr. Brown was commissioned to write and sing both the pop song and a new version of the Doublemint jingle, introduced in 1960.

First, Mr. Brown updated the jingle and recorded it with hip-hop producer Polow Da Don. Then, during the same Los Angeles recording sessions in February, paid for by Wrigley, Mr. Brown added new lyrics and made a 4½-minute rendition of the tune, titled "Forever."

In April, Mr. Brown's record label, Jive, released the song to radio stations and digital download services as a single. After the song became a hit, Jive added it to his 2007 album, Exclusive, and re-released the album in June.

Hence the "double your pleasure/double your fun" line in "Forever," and him popping a stick of gum in his mouth at the beginning of the video. Sneaky!

Here's a commercial for Doublemint gum from the '80s, along with Chris Brown performing "Forever" on The Today Show last month:



Whatever. He's still hot. And 19. That's legal, right?

New York Post: Madonna Was Ghost Writer For Christopher Ciccone's Book

We should have known Ye Olde Vampyre was behind it all! An "insider" has told the New York Post that Madonna ghost-wrote Christopher Ciccone's memoir Life With My Sister Madonna.

"The supposed scandal about [her brother] Christopher Ciccone's book is bull[bleep]. She actually ghost-wrote parts of it with him, the way Princess Diana helped Andrew Morton write his book on her. That's why there's nothing too devastating in Chris's book. He's mean to others, but not so much to his sister."

Do you believe it, though? Sure, he doesn't trash her harshly in the book, but she still doesn't come off looking good in some parts (i.e., the whole truth-behind-the-scenes of the Truth Or Dare documentary).

One thing's for true—this suddenly makes Pharrell Williams' latest comments about her sound right on the mark: "She sure knows how to milk publicity and create a publicity stunt."

Meanwhile, here's the trailer for Guy Ritchie's upcoming flick, RocknRolla. Is it me or does he just keep making the same movie over and over?

McFlop

Wow! Looks like McFly have entered their "Pet Shop Boys phase," wherein they debut relatively high on the U.K. chart with a new single, then it plummets down the following week.

In this case, the song in question is "One For The Radio," which looks more like one for the dustbin after debuting at #2 then dropping this week to #21.

And let's not forget McFlop's own "Transylvania/Baby Come Back" set the record for the farthest drop for a single (to #20) from #1 in its second week.

It's also interesting to see American Idol Jordin Sparks making inroads over yonder, both at #3 with her first U.K. hit "No Air" and also debuting at #18 on the album chart.

Of course, you can't help wondering if it's something to do with "No Air" being a duet with Chris Brown, who, unlike McFly, seems to be enjoying his "imperial phase," whereby any single he releases becomes a worldwide hit.

The U.K. Top 10:

1. "Dance Wiv Me" - Dizzee Rascal/Calvin Harris/Chrome *4 weeks*
2. "All Summer Long" - Kid Rock
3. "No Air" - Jordin Sparks Duet With Chris Brown
4. "Closer" - Ne-Yo
5. "All I Ever Wanted" - Basshunter
6. "Shut Up And Let Me Go" - The Ting Tings
7. "Sweet About Me" - Gabriella Cilmi
8. "Stay With Me" - Ironik
9. "Take A Bow" - Rihanna
10. "Give It 2 Me" - Madonna

In A Nutshell, This Is How I Ended Up At The Diana Ross Concert

On the new job, I spend my time writing puffed-up snark all day on Zac Efron, Miley Cyrus, Chace Crawford, Matthew McConaughey, Amy Winehouse—anyone who's "now" and a tabloid/gossip blog namegrabber.

After about the eighth post on the Jonas Brothers in a week, you really need to just come home and have a drink. Or a bottle.

One night last month, while lying face down on the bed in a Jonas-numbing stupor, the ball and chain sweeps into the bedroom and announces, "OMG. Miss Ross is playing at the Hollywood Bowl!" I sat up to vomit. Coincidentally, it must have sounded like, "Let's get tickets!"

Granted, I've always been big on Motown. 1991 was the first full year I had a driver's license, and since my parents car didn't have a cassette player—and I'd burnt out on Top 40 radio—the oldies station was my driving aid of choice wherever I'd speed off to.

So last night was the Diana Ross concert at the Hollywood Bowl. By the time we got there, the row we were to sit in was filled, save for our two lone seats way down the line. Luckily there were about three other rows nearby that were empty, so we just sat there. Apparently no one does the peanut gallery for Miss Ross. Except for us.

The LA Philharmonic trilled some lulling opening standards, then took a break. Finally, the band broke out into an extended intro of "I'm Coming Out," and there she was, sauntering onto the stage in a red frilly dress that made her look like a piece of sushi. And speaking of which, we brought along a picnic basket. And the Jonas juice.

Over the next two hours, "Lady Supreme," as she was billed, twirled through Motown medleys, Supremes classics, solo hits and the Lady Sings The Blues repertoire. She changed into four different gowns throughout the night, which sent old queens to speaking in tongues.

And, she sounded great. It's funny to think that Diana Ross was sometimes criticized for never having the best voice. Compared to robot sluts of today like Britney, Fergie and Ashlee Simpson, she sounds like the very definition of soul.

Well, okay. There were actually a few times where Diana sounded like she had a prehistoric amphibian lodged in her throat that she was about to hack up. And she doesn't have the most magnetic stage presence. But, hey, at least she did "Ease On Down The Road."

The night peaked when the crowd was sent into a frezy by "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." I peaked with a frenzy when I finished my flattened banana from Trader Joe's. By "I Will Survive" we were packed and high-tailing it through the crowd, making the long walk back to the car.

All in all, visiting Planet Ross was pretty enjoyable, and an overall classy—if not occasionally slightly tacky—experience.

It's kind of like when you're a kid and your parents drop you off at grandma's house. You know you're in for a warm, pleasant time. But by the third episode of The Lawrence Welk Hour, you're more than ready to go home and play with your toys.

Think Nas-ing Of It

New Towleroad column is up, which seems to have caused some controversy in the comments. And you know how I hate to stir things up.

Saint Etienne Announce New Single, Greatest Hits Compilation

The greatest British trio to grace the planet and give pop listeners the gift of deep, meaningful lyrics has a new release on the horizon.

No, not Right Said Fred... I'm talking about Saint Etienne! (Although Saint Etienne did cover "I'm Too Sexy" in the early '90s.)

First up will be a reworking of "Burnt Out Car," fiddly-twiddled up by Xenomania. The various formats promise new B-sides in the form of "River" on the 7" vinyl, "Destroy The Building" and "Night Vision" on part one of the CD single, and a "Balearic Mix" of "Burnt Out Car" by Mark Brown—who produced Etienne front dame Sarah Cracknell's #12 U.K. hit from earlier this year, "The Journey Continues"—on CD2.

Shortly after, London Conversations: The Best Of Saint Etienne will be released. Says the band on their website:

It comes in three delicious 'flavas': a single 18 track cd; a double with every other a-side, some of our best album tracks, and - yes! - "Lover Plays The Bass"; and a 3 disc set in a beautiful book cover with a dvd of all our promo vids.

Sexy. And in case you missed my D'luvvly Sarah Cracknell interview...

Chris Brown Gets Closer To #1 With "Forever," Working On Reality Dance Show

Not much change in the upper region of Billboard's Hot 100 this week, other than Chris Brown reaching a new high of #3 with "Forever." If it doesn't hit the top, whereas "Kiss Kiss" did, the world truly is a cruel sphere of mud.

Meanwhile, this news about him teaming up with Survivor creator Mark Burnett to do a reality dance show... Chris, Chris, Chris. Just stick to the music. Not all of your agent's ideas are bright.

Not really sure about Kardinal Offishall, but the fact that this Canadian has dragged Akon back into the Top 10 after a pleasant absence already makes him annoying.

And poor Miley Cyrus—"7 Things" gets bumped out of sight by the return of Jesse McCartney.

Ah, fuck all these people anyway. I'm not seeing any of their cash.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "I Kissed A Girl" - Katy Perry *5 weeks*
2. "Take A Bow" - Rihanna
3. "Forever" - Chris Brown *sales gainer*
4. "Lollipop" - Lil Wayne Feat. Static Major
5. "Viva La Vida'" - Coldplay
6. "Bleeding Love" - Leona Lewis
7. "Pocketful Of Sunshine" - Natasha Bedingfield
8. "A Milli" - Lil Wayne
9. "Dangerous" - Kardinal Offishall Feat. Akon
10. "Leavin'" - Jesse McCartney

Pop Conspiracy: Rihanna's "Disturbia" Video Vs. Pet Shop Boys' "Yesterday When I Was Mad"

Rihanna's "Disturbia" video just popped up on YouTube but will probably get yanked soon. It's directed by David LaChapelle, and is slightly reminiscent of Pet Shop Boys' 1994 clip for "Yesterday When I Was Mad," in that they both quite literally deal with mental anguish and madness. Apparently Chris Brown, who co-wrote "Disturbia," had originally planned to record the song himself for Exclusive, but felt it needed a female voice.

It all sort of makes sense now, given Chris' idolization of Michael Jackson, and how much I initially thought "Disturbia" sounded like a modern day "Thriller" before I knew he wrote it.



I have to say, I really admire how much Chris Brown and Rihanna are changing the sound of American pop.

Scott Storch: One More Bush-Era Music Douche Gets Flushed Down The Can

Thursday I brought up the ever-growing, full swing signs of the end of Bush era in popular music.

There's a great article about the professional demise of scumbag producer extraordinaire Scott Storch on CNN.com, called "The Top Producer Who Hit The Skids."

Here's the gist of it all:

Nowadays, Scott Storch, 34, is missing in action. He owes over $500,000 in real estate taxes and had a warrant out for his arrest when he failed to show up in court in a child-support case last month. He has not had a top 10 hit in three years. He still has his waterfront marble mansion, but his lawyer, Guy Spiegelman, says Storch is attempting to refinance it after a "catastrophic occurrence this year" resulting from "mismanagement." Storch no longer works with his old manager or publicist. He hasn't talked to either of his children in months.

Replete with tragic details and bad behavior, the ballad of Scott Storch may be the swan song of the bling era, a riches-to-rags tale of excess, poor decisions and a hobbled music industry.

Gee, his uncomparable arrogance aside, what do you think could possibly have killed his career: Paris Hilton's album or Brooke Hogan's?

We do have Scott to thank for Chris Brown's "Run It!", though. That was a good jam... you know, three years ago and all.

ALSO SEE:
* Paris Is Burning, But We're Throwing Ourselves Onto The Fire!

Hungover

Had a party at chez D'luv last night. A good time was had by all.

The U.K. Top 10:

1. "Dance Wiv Me" - Dizzee Rascal/Calvin Harris/Chrome *3 weeks*
2. "One For The Radio" - McFly *new*
3. "All Summer Long" - Kid Rock
4. "All I Ever Wanted" - Basshunter
5. "No Air" - Jordin Sparks Duet With Chris Brown
6. "Closer" - Ne-Yo
7. "Give It 2 Me" - Madonna
8. "Stay With Me" - Ironik
9. "Shut Up And Let Me Go" - The Ting Tings
10. "Forever" - Chris Brown

Why Do Things Like New Kids On The Block Have To Happen To Me, God?

New Kids On The Block have yet another goddamn greatest hits coming out—or rather, that Sony is throwing out to cash in on the old fuckers whoring themselves out on the road again—on August 12.

I wouldn't masturbate on this trash if it made blind children see.

Among the 18 re-heated "hits" are "Please Don't Go Girl," "Cover Girl," "Valentine Girl" and "My Favorite Girl." Girl, please!

There's also a New Kids megamix, which you'll probably want to push a rusty, 12-inch railroad tie through your eardrum to while listening.

But really, looking forward to this.

Free Download: UNKLE'S 'X-Files' Theme Remix

We know what a big X-Phile D'luv is, so here then is a free, legal download of UNKLE's new remix of the theme for The X-Files, to tie in with next Friday's release of The X-Files: I Want To Believe and Tuesday's digital release of UNKLE's End Titles...Stories For Film.

* "The X-Files Theme (Remix)"

Pop Conspiracy: Hayden Panettiere's "Wake Up Call" Vs. Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind"

Great... another broad who thinks she can multi-task her way into the hearts of millions. Heroes ho Hayden Panettiere's new single "Wake Up Call" bears mucho resemblance to Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind."

Which one do you think sounds more like an Auto-Tuned blowup doll?



Meanwhile, did you know 18-year-old Hayden's actually a Grammy nominee? Granted, it was in the "spoken word for children" category, for A Bug's Life in 1999 (when she was nine!!).

One thing's for sure—that 31-year-old kiddie-fiddler beau of hers, Milo Ventimiglia, looks like he'd be a decent bounce.

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Do you know odd it is to see a non-Hip hop/R&B/ballad single be at #1 for more than one or two weeks in the U.S. in the '00s? And by odd I mean it's pretty effing refreshing. And I don't care that it's that faux coconut-slammer, Katy Perry. It could be Janice Dickinson moaning the alphabet out of key at this point and I'd shout its praises.

With all the record label staff cuts, the rap payola czars of yesteryear must be gone.

That said, it's a week of redemption on Billboard's Hot 100 as Chris Brown's "Forever"—a song that after three months still hasn't gotten old—is the Sales Gainer, and moves up to a new peak of #4. Again, that's another one I'd become to skeptical to ever imagine the U.S. music-buying public would embrace. The long, depressing George Bush era truly is ending, folks.

Even the fact that the Top 10 contains pop songs by Natasha Bedingfield, Coldplay and teen harlot Miley Cyrus hints that the week that miserable fucker leaves the White House next January, we can probably expect the Sugababes to have their first American hit!

Further evidence: Ne-Yo's "Closer," already a U.K. #1 which has been struggling for over three months now on the chart, jumps ten positions to a new high of #17, while Estelle's "American Boy" slowly makes its way to #31.

Of course, directly linking the so obviously payola-driven music that was on the charts for years—the countless J. Lo atrocities, the Ja Rules, the 50 Cents and Chingys—to the current President that's in office might seem like a bit of a stretch, but doesn't all the garbage start at the top and come down?

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "I Kissed A Girl" - Katy Perry *4 weeks*
2. "Take A Bow" - Rihanna
3. "Lollipop" - Lil Wayne Feat. Static Major
4. "Forever" - Chris Brown *sales gainer*
5. "Bleeding Love" - Leona Lewis
6. "Pocketful Of Sunshine" - Natasha Bedingfield
7. "Viva La Vida'" - Coldplay
8. "A Milli" - Lil Wayne
9. "7 Things" - Miley Cyrus
10. "Push It Baby, Part 2" - Plies Feat. Ne-Yo

Frankmusik Is Rad

All ye Stuart Price fans—my new Frankmusik-themed Towleroad column is up. Think Sam Sparro meets, uh...Sam Sparro.

Pop Conspiracy: Lily Allen Rips Off Take That, Mark Ronson Doesn't Stick It In Joss Stone

Two-bit hooker Good ol' Lily Allen has admitted she ripped off Take That's 2007 U.K. #1 hit "Shine" with her new song "Who'd Of Known," which is streaming on her MySpace.

The lazy plagiarist writes on her MySpace blog: [sic x 10]"i haveput up a song that wont make it on the album . i ripped off the chous from take that and i can't be bothered with the paperwork , so here ya go ."

Here's the video for Take That's "Shine":



Meanwhile, handsome Brit producer Mark Ronson all but admitted he turned down Joss Stone in one of her fuck-for-tracks bids gone wrong.

Says Heat World:

"I’m not the sort of producer that shags every artist he works with. I’ve had enough offers, but I’m very picky," he said.

The star then went on to brag, "I’ve said no to a very famous, white, bland and very boring English soul chick, whom shall remain unnamed..."

Hmmm. When the journalist then asked Mark if he was talking about Joss Stone, he merely smiled and winked. We'll take that as a yes, then.

Hey, I know how you feel, Mark. This was my reaction just watching Joss Stone at Austin City Limits last year (against my will, mind you):



Thanks Phil, for the Joss goss.

Christopher Ciccone's Book Is Out Today!

Christopher Ciccone's Madonna tell-all Life With My Sister Madonna is finally out. If there was any doubt that Madge's embattled brother is a wordsmith for our times, witness the following brilliance from an excerpt published in the Daily Mail:

Every bit of anger I've ever felt at her, every disappointment she's caused me, every iota of pride I've swallowed on her behalf, every bitter rejection – it all comes to the surface. I reply to her. "You have never in the entire time I have worked for you since 1985 paid me even close to what I was worth. I gave up my life to help make you the evil queen you are today. Fifteen years listening to your bitching, egotistical rantings, mediocre talent and a lack of taste that would stun the ages."

Forget the context that was taken from—it's poetry! I'm grabbing two copies of this trash, because the man deserves to buy a 40-ounce from 7-Eleven when the royalty checks start rolling in, so he can celebrate his classy literary achievement with dignity.

Poll Results: The Greatest Male Pop Star Of The Past 25 Years

Last weekend's poll on who you think is the greatest male pop star of the past 25 years prompted some interesting reponses. Admittedly, I may deserve a knuckle-rapping for forgetting to include Bryan Adams.

Others questioned where David Bowie, Elton John and Bruce Springsteen were, though at least in my mind, those three are rock legends that maybe transcend—or at least don't seem right being boxed into—a category of "pop" artists.

Michael Jackson and Prince were certainly around prior to 1983 (and technically, George Michael's first U.K. Wham! single was out in fall of 1982), but to not include them would seem a downright crime, as they were completely inescapable that year and for many more to come.

Oh well, this ain't an exact science. Here then are the results:

1-2. Michael Jackson/George Michael (tied with 54 votes each)
3. Prince (33)
4. Robbie Williams (12)
5. Justin Timberlake (7)

You Don't Mess With Texas, Paris Hilton

Kid Rock is the only new entry in this week's U.K. Top 10—and here I thought I wanted to drill a hole into my forehead last week.

All is not lost, however...with Texas frontchick Sharleen Spiteri's "All The Times I Cried" moving up to #26, this gives a good excuse to post the recent clip of her on The Graham Norton Show, talking about how she spit her drink on Paris Hilton in a near bar brawl:



Doesn't this automatically make Sharleen a shoe-in for an OBE next year?

The U.K. Top 10:

1. "Dance Wiv Me" - Dizzee Rascal/Calvin Harris/Chrome *2 weeks*
2. "All I Ever Wanted" - Basshunter
3. "No Air" - Jordin Sparks Duet With Chris Brown
4. "Closer" - Ne-Yo
5. "Stay With Me" - Ironik
6. "All Summer Long" - Kid Rock
7. "Forever" - Chris Brown
8. "Sweet About Me" - Gabriella Cilmi
9. "Take A Bow" - Rihanna
10. "We Made It" - Busta Rhymes Feat. Linkin Park

The Yaz Box Set: It's Like Christmas 1982 All Over

In 1982, we got MTV in my house. That Christmas, Santa Claus got me the 12" vinyl for Yaz's (or Yazoo for the rest of the world) "Don't Go" and Musical Youth's "Pass The Dutchie"—two heavy-rotation clips on the music video channel at the time that had completely captured my imagination. I was eight years old.

The following year, my mom was taping songs off the radio, and "Only You," probably Yaz's most well-known song here except for maybe "Situation," made it onto one of her compilations.

But other than "Don't Go" and "Only You," I didn't know much else about Yaz or any of their other music until one Friday while hanging out at the mall in early 1990, I bought Upstairs At Eric's on cassette.

I played and played my cassette until it had pops and cracks between the songs, as well as during a few songs themselves. 1990 later proved to be a year of resurgence for Yaz, as that's when that "Situation" remix started popping up seemingly out of nowhere on Top 40 radio in the U.S.

There was a pretty decent interview with Vince Clarke and Alison Moyet—both now in their mid-40s—in the Los Angeles Times this week, to tie in with Yaz's three L.A. shows and the release of the In Your Room four-disc box set.

I didn't get to see them at any of their concerts here, but I did get the box set. The short film documentary, 2 Albums, 4 Singles and that was it.... was worth the $65 alone.

Plus, perhaps shamefully, I must admit that despite "Nobody's Diary" being one of my all-time fave Yaz songs, this is the first time I've heard the entire You And Me Both album.

Side note: U.S. iTunes misreads the track "Tuesday"—which was left off the American release of Upstairs At Eric's—as "Situation" on the remastered, box set version of the CD. In turn, "Situation," originally a b-side, wasn't initially included on the U.K. version of the album.

The Gayest Video Ever?

Since the inception of YouTube, I've been determined to find the gayest video ever. I think I've narrowed it down to about 2,648 clips.



The banshee squeal...the sashaying brother in the pink cape...the shoulder pads and only-in-the-'80s "meaningful" hand gestures—you go, girls!

Could Gene Loves Jezebel's "Motion Of Love" be the gayest video ever?

Let's Talk About This Love/Hate Relationship With Miley Cyrus' "7 Things"

Why is that with Miley Cyrus back in the Top 10 of Billboard's Hot 100, with "7 Things" at #10, all seems right in the world? The tween queen has now racked up two of the biggest guilty pleasure hits of the year. And by giving in to the Hannah Montana munchkin, shame has never hurt so good!

The first time I heard "7 Things," it was only the tail end of the song on the radio. Those dreamy "Oooh-Ooohs" were infectious from the get-go, so it was off to iTunes to download this trash!



What the F?!? Where was the relentless electro swagger that made "See You Again" such an immediate rush? And are those guitars? Why's Miley not hiding her backwoods accent? And the ultimate sin—an emo pop-punk riff over the chorus!

Eventually, one day Sunday evening while taking a walk, "7 Things" came up on shuffle on my iPod, and I actually paid attention to the lyrics. Miley, child, I've been there, too! If he put the whites in the washing machine with a red T-shirt, we were so separated at birth!

You see, turns out Miley Cyrus is a pretty swell broad with a good pop sensibility. The clever songwriting team behind her has the know-how to tap into that universal anguish that not only teens can relate to, but old fuckers like me, too. Suddenly it all clicks into place with "7 Things."

Same thing happened with Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." And that's how I became a lesbian.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "I Kissed A Girl" - Katy Perry *3 weeks*
2. "Take A Bow" - Rihanna
3. "Lollipop" - Lil Wayne Feat. Static Major
4. "Bleeding Love" - Leona Lewis
5. "Viva La Vida'" - Coldplay
6. "Forever" - Chris Brown
7. "Pocketful Of Sunshine" - Natasha Bedingfield
8. "Burnin' Up" - Jonas Brothers
9. "Push It Baby, Part 2" - Plies Feat. Ne-Yo
10. "7 Things" - Miley Cyrus *sales gainer*

Don't forget to vote for the greatest male pop star of the past 25 years!

Sam Sparro Heads To The U.S.

NME reports that Sam Sparro will be doing three U.S. shows next month—one August 5 in New York then two in L.A. on August 6 and 9.

No word yet on when the Aussie crooner will be reprising Frederic March's role in Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.

Don't forget to vote for the greatest male pop star of the past 25 years!

Mariah Carey: 38 Going On 13

The regression of Mimi continues with her new Elle cover shoot.

First she marries child-groom Nick Cannon, a stunt the whole world surely thought was a hoax or, at the very least, a grand publicity stunt.

Then she continues cranking out a series of panty-flashing, bikini-writhing videos, each successive one having less and less of a plot other than "Mariah touches her elbows behind her back."

Finally, we get the cover of Elle, where it's Uh-oh! The teen stripper next door can't keep her skirt on!

God bless you, Mimi, but we get it already—your thighs haven't looked this good since "One Sweet Day" and you're excited about that. But don't forget that you're doing your deep, meaningful lyrics a complete disservice by shilling your tits over the art, doll.

Don't forget to vote for the greatest male pop star of the past 25 years!

Oh, Brother: Here Comes The Madonna Tell-All

I first wrote about Christopher Ciccone's sleazefest tell-all on his sister Madonna a month ago, but now that it's only a week away from release, I'm foaming at the mouth for this must-have summer read! It's going straight within hand's-reach of my toilet!

The Sun has insider tidbits about what's apparently going to be revealed in the book, including lezbo tongue-action with Gwyneth Paltrow and drug-taking with record execs—and I believe every word of it!

Gotta love how the book has a "...with Wendy Leigh" writing credit. Why do you get the feeling Wendy wrote the entire thing while Chris Ciccone was doing lines through a sheet of food stamps off a rent boy's cock?

Don't forget to vote for the greatest male pop star of the past 25 years!

Forget Kylie Working With Primal Scream...What Ever Happened To Soup Dragons?

NME.com reports that a new interview with Primal Scream's Bobby Gillespie reveals he was to write for Kylie Minogue back in 1992, but, well, "we were too fucked up to even write a song for ourselves at that time."

Primal Scream are probably best known for their 1990 rave anthem "Loaded," which was most recently included on Rhino's Brit Box 4-disc collection.

Gillespie went on in the Q magazine interview to say how Kylie came backstage to meet the band, at which point she herself was offered drugs: "She did ask us to write a song for her once, we met her and she was fucking lovely. This was when she was a proper pop star, in 1992 or around about then. People were offering her stuff and she said, 'Thanks, but no thanks'. She was lovely."

That's great, but all this has me nostalgic for probably my favorite song from summer 1990—Soup Dragons' "Mother Universe":



Funny enough, on my trip back to PA last month, I found about 15 of my old VHS tapes in my parents' entertainment center just filled from beginning to end with MTV videos, spanning from 1988 to 1997.

Hopefully I can get that shit digitized and uploaded to the Chart Rigger YouTube channel soon, because the world needs to see Cathy Dennis hosting VH1's Top 20 Video Countdown from August 1991!

Don't forget to vote for the greatest male pop star of the past 25 years!